I needed a day to reflect to be myself actually, I really just wanted to write. The past couple of days have tested who I’ve worked hard on becoming. I have to learn to breakthrough before the breakdown. Although, I didn’t completely crumble I know that I still have work to do when I am put in situations where my best interest isn’t a factor, to let it be around me but not through me. That previous line I borrowed from Yaw, who is currently an artist in residence with Rebuild Foundation. He’s working out of the Listening House, which is located across pretty close to where I live. For the past two weeks I have been pulled by a larger force to go over to the house and just be.
Last week it felt as though I was a church, It feels as though I have a better understanding as to how people catch the holy ghost. The energy in the room from the singing to the guitars and drums took me into another place. Yesterday was different, because of the day and the previous two days at work I just wanted to be left alone, I was tired of talking about the same thing, I’m just tired of feeling the way I feel when it comes to this job. So, I made up a few excuses of why I wasn’t going over to the house until I felt I needed to be in the space. I walked over for about the last ten minutes Yaw was saying they had to redo the song because he wanted to record it. This week’s setting was different it was only Yaw, one other singer/guitarist, a young fella with a banjo and this older gentleman with a deep , rich voice…. Mr. Marvin Tate I came to find out. Being in this space I was vulnerable, I felt that at any moment giant alligator tears would come pouring out of my eyes but I held it together. Then Yaw started on the song he mentioned he wanted to record….
I’m a worker,
I work with my hands,
They fancy my work
But they never treat me like they should
As Yaw sung these words and the banjo complemented him I put my head in my hands and cried, the tears were bigger than any alligator and the release of that energy was soothing. At that moment, I wasn’t okay with not being okay because as soon as the song finished I slipped out to avoid anyone seeing my red tear stained face. Even as I write this I’m asking myself am I okay with not being okay although at this moment I am okay. I would answer yes because I can be honest and admit it to myself I don’t always have my shit together. Yet, I feel like I should answer No because I don’t want anyone to know that I am indeed settling at the moment in an environment that I’m not sure I can grow from.
Things shouldn’t be this deep, things and people should not affect me in such a way that for three days I was questioning myself in a negative way. I like to be celebrated and appreciated, I had to become okay with saying this a loud. As I sit and reflect on the past few days not to dwell, but to starting pieces together my own missing links I feel as though I am now okay with not being okay. You recognize and grow, it may not be in that order but allow it to happen.
If you'd like to share how you deal with overwhelming moments, please do! You can also shoot me a separate e-mail.
Love & Light.