Reading about another loss tears stream down my face.. Over the past couple of years hearing about people especially people my age committing suicide takes me back to my own dark place not very long ago.
In the past year I've become more vocal about my own thoughts of suicide, the thoughts were deep but before this year it was a hidden place within me. I didn't want anyone to know scared of the feeling they would look at me with pity, scared that it would break the hearts of those who genuinely love me that I've had the severe thoughts of just ending my life.
The first time I ever thought about suicide I was young I don't recall why those thoughts entered my mind but I do know my sister saved my life. I hope she knows. The 2nd time was more recently just over a year ago I didn't want to be alive anymore. This life was becoming to hard to bear and I felt trapped. One of my old classmates had passed the year before and I felt like I understood why he had chosen to not be here.
In my darkest moment there wasn't anyone I felt could save me, these suicide hotlines didn't cross my mind... There was only one thought if I jump, I'm leaving behind a crack in my Mother's heart. That thought saved my life.
At that moment I wanted to end my physical living on earth there wasn't anything anyone could do... I felt. I had to save myself... I felt. But truth be told, the love in my life that I am surrounded by saved me. As I sit here in tears I know that you never really know what people are going through, I know how to smile the brightest smile but inside you're crumbling. I know.
We always wish for one more word, I wish I could have done something. These days I'm quick to say I love you, send a text or call because I'm thinking of someone, just know I'm here. I can't say don't be ashamed to be open because it's hard, I'm one of the most open book people you would ever meet but something's just get buried inside.. Or tried.
If you're reading this and just need someone I am always around to listen and just be. Sometimes we just need people not for words, but for them. Be strong out here, I promise life can be amazing.
Love & Sunshine